“You can have my breath, And you can have my darkness, And you can have my blood; if it gets you high.”- Dead Man Winter
Where have I been? What have I been doing? Why haven’t I blogged in over a year? The answer, I have been asking myself those same questions.
In the past year, I have been finding myself and struggling with accepting the person I truly am inside. I have never been a person about labels or personal identification because I felt like I fit in everywhere and I tried very hard to change my personality to fit into every social situation possible. I was never the same person; living multiple personalities and becoming the one personality I detested the most, fake. I smiled at everyone I had come in contact with and made sure I knew some little antidote about them to bring up when meeting them again, to make sure we were connected. I let people take control of me because I was so kind and always willing. I was the smiling girl on campus that walked around proud and full of joy on the outside, but on the inside, was falling apart into pieces and could not find a safe place to take refuge.
I graduated from college.
I fell apart. I moved home. I settled for mediocre. I sat in my parent’s house applying for job after job after job. I settled on a mediocre job, making mediocre pay, working with mediocre staff who knew nothing about child development, advocating for a mediocre life. I hated going to work. I hated the people I worked with. I hated the lack of education these people claimed they possessed. I was a bag of skin and bones full of regret, hate, and confusion. Depression skimmed my eyes and my mind was weak.
I wondered the meaning of my existence and if my mediocre job was going to run my life in the upcoming years. I needed to find an answer and I needed to find someone who could listen. That person was me. I was the only one who could listen and understand my own hardships. I was the only person who could understand my feelings and do something about it.
I found solace in the north shore. I found solace in music. I found solace in the middle of the woods on a Saturday afternoon hike on the Superior Hiking Trail on a brisk April morning.
It was time to decide my meaning on this planet and the ways I can impact the world. rather than the world impacting me. I needed control over who I was and where I was going. I needed to take back that part of my life. In a sense, I needed a revolution. I needed to detox my life and choose the path that best suit me and my dreams. I needed to get rid of the poisons that controlled my life and detach myself from people that fed into the temptation of identity. I needed to break from everyone else’s expectations and only care about myself. I needed to care about myself before I could care about anyone else. I needed to tear out the scribbled on pages of my life and start over with a blank notebook. After months of cleansing, it happened:
My identity had fallen.
This is who I am. I am a millennial, hipster who cares about the environment, needs to feel empowered and picks apart musicians and artists like it’s my part-time job. I am an educator. I am an outspoken individual who will advocate for my student’s success in the most polite, but in your face way possible. I love going to farmers markets. I think weddings are over-rated and that partnerships shouldn’t be trivial and tasking but celebrated and rejoiced. I believe in essential oils and that medication isn’t always the best solution to the common illness and ailments that face our society today. I believe that everyone has good intentions but they may not be able to express their needs in an effective way.
I realized that in the past, I controlled parts of my life that cannot be controlled. I cannot control my friends, their thoughts, or the way others feel about me. I cannot control how my friends grow and how our friendships grow apart. I realized that people come and go in life and those that stay are the ones that are worth your energy. I realized that depression is sneaky and it takes over your life quickly like fog coming in on a chilly fall morning.
I don’t have an identity. I don’t have a category. I don’t have an expectation.
I have peace. I have happiness. I have wonder. And I have love. This, should carry me through life. Day after day.